Intelligent Design, Meet “Intelligent Falling”

Somehow I missed The Onion’s dead-on spoof of intelligent-design arguments last week, "Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity wth New ‘Intelligent Falling’ Theory."  Excerpt (paragraphing edited):

. . .  Scientists from the Evangelical Center For Faith-Based Reasoning are
now asserting that the long-held "theory of gravity" is flawed, and
they have responded to it with a new theory of Intelligent Falling.

"Things fall not because they are acted upon by some gravitational
force, but because a higher intelligence, ‘God’ if you will, is pushing
them down," said Gabriel Burdett, who holds degrees in education,
applied Scripture, and physics from Oral Roberts University.

Burdett added: "Gravity—which is taught to our children as a law—is
founded on great gaps in understanding.  The laws predict the mutual
force between all bodies of mass, but they cannot explain that force.

Isaac Newton himself said, ‘I suspect that my theories may all depend
upon a force for which philosophers have searched all of nature in
vain.’ Of course, he is alluding to a higher power."

*  *  *

"We just want the best possible education for Kansas’ kids," Burdett said.

Proponents of Intelligent Falling assert that the different
theories used by secular physicists to explain gravity are not
internally consistent.  Even critics of Intelligent Falling admit that
Einstein’s ideas about gravity are mathematically irreconcilable with
quantum mechanics. This fact, Intelligent Falling proponents say,
proves that gravity is a theory in crisis.

*  *  *

. . . "If gravity is pulling everything down, why do the sparks fly upwards
with great surety?  This clearly indicates that a conscious intelligence
governs all falling."

"Closed-minded gravitists cannot find a way to make Einstein’s
general relativity match up with the subatomic quantum world," said Dr.
Ellen Carson, a leading Intelligent Falling expert known for her work
with the Kansan Youth Ministry. "They’ve been trying to do it for the
better part of a century now, and despite all their empirical
observation and carefully compiled data, they still don’t know how."

"Traditional scientists admit that they cannot explain how
gravitation is supposed to work," Carson said. "What the gravity-agenda
scientists need to realize is that ‘gravity waves’ and ‘gravitons’ are
just secular words for ‘God can do whatever He wants.’"

Read it all.